I’ll admit it – when it comes down to doing the dirty, vanilla is my flavour. Not even the fancy, Connoisseur Madagascan vanilla-bean vanilla. Nope. Just plain, boring Bulla vanilla.

 

That said, I have a healthy respect for the choc-mints, boysenberry swirls and Belgian triple-chocolates of the world. They have their place in the Woollies freezer aisle of life, just like everybody else. And while I might not be up there with the caramel fudge sundaes, I do enjoy the occasional bit of choccy syrup or hundreds-and-thousands on top. So it rankles whenever some wannabe Roger Chillingworth starts kinkshaming.

 

The arbiter of Internet lexicon, Urban Dictionary, has had a definition of the term ‘kinkshaming’ since 2014, but its earliest appearance online dates back to about 2008 on blogging website LiveJournal. Boiled down to its essentials, it’s the act of insulting or belittling a person based on their sexual proclivities.

 

Before the Internet, public flagellation of people’s private lives had a well-established history. In Elizabethan England, for example, ecclesiastical courts sentenced those convicted of un-puritan sexual behaviour to public humiliation.

 

While we no longer force people to endure the pillory, our appetite for sexual scandal persists fuelled by tabloid reporting, and we still find ways to punish people for it. Most recently, US President Donald Trump was the subject of gleeful public mockery over an alleged fondness for golden showers replete with a trending twitter hashtag. While Trump is an endless source of comic material, the choice to excoriate him for urophilia says more about our obsession with sexual taboo than it does about Trump or any other watersports aficionado.

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And don’t we all have our own kinks anyway? A 2016 survey by sex retailer Ann Summers concluded that 75% of us have a kink or fetish, from BDSM to keeping the light switched on during sex. Most of us, however, don’t like to own up to our dirty little secrets. With almost 40% of kinksters reporting being shamed for their sexual habits, is it any wonder?

 

But if we can’t mock Donald Trump for letting the yellow mellow in the bedroom, is anything fair game in the love-and-war of kinkshaming?

 

Kinkshaming, particularly on the Internet, most often takes the form of ridicule, which is just not a very nice thing to do. But kink is also not a free pass to behave badly, and addressing questionable sexual behaviour, especially where there are issues of consent, is important.

 

Think voyeurism, public exhibitionism, or even fetishes based on race, gender and disability. Depending on the context, these can err on the side of being objectifying. At worst, they rely on the participation of non-consenting individuals, as opposed to just enjoying a good tickle or popping balloons between actively consenting adults.

 

So the next time you feel the urge to kinkshame somebody, first ask these two questions:

 

1. Is it hurting anybody; and

2. Is it any of your business?

 

If the answer to both questions is no, as a general rule, try making yourself a cup of tea instead.

 

Unless, of course, the object of your kinkshaming happens to have a kink for it. 

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